Indescribable

1 May

Because my blog is tagged under “God” (along with family and food), I feel it is necessary to really explain my beliefs.

Since about 4th or 5th grade I have called myself a christian. We usually went to a non-denominational church and I went to youth group. I prayed at dinner with the whole family and I sang those fun, yet cheesy kid worship songs. As I got older, my faith increased. I became more aware of my sins and wanted to have a close-knit relationship with God. unfortunately, I could never get that feeling. Something was missing. I started reading my bible every night. I prayed. I went to church. I gave money to the church. All of that, and I still didn’t have that feeling.

If you don’t know what feeling I am talking about, at the time I felt like me and God were just acquaintances. I knew who he was, how to “contact” him, and I thought I knew what he wanted. This struggle had been going on forever.

Last month, I started to reevaluate my purpose here on Earth and what was expected of me. I looked at my previous years as a God loving Christian and asked “Is this it?”. Am I supposed to pray at dinnertime, ask for forgiveness, go to church every Sunday. I knew that He wanted more of me.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am a very caring person. I believe everyone should be treated with respect and animals should be loved dearly (Yes, I was a vegetarian for a few years). And I am not just saying “I am a caring person” and then go behind someone’s back and gossip about how dumb they are. I was and always will have this love for everyone…which brings me to the next thing.

About a 9 months ago I was at church, like any normal Sunday. The pastor was doing announcements and such and all of a sudden I hear him say that we (the people in the pews) need to come with him and convince gay people to become straight otherwise they will burn in Hell. The pastor said it is our duty as Christians to help rid the world of evil “And we can start with the gays”.  What the pastor was saying really bugged me. He was supposed to be this god-loving servant and he was standing up in church condemning the LGTB population.

After this I started noticing more and more Christians condemn others, claim that it is their way or the highway (to hell). I would read these articles online about some kid dying after getting high with his friends. I read the comments that went with the story, many saying the most awful things while very few commented about how sad they were for the family. Most of the comments consisted of “This is what happens when you don’t follow Jesus” or “Now is the time to become a Christian before you burn in Hell like this boy”. The comments made me sick.

So after reading and praying, I decided to not call myself a Christian. People who don’t believe in God relate the word “christian” with bible-thumping, stone throwing people. I did not want to be considered as one of those people.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love God. My beliefs have not changed. I just refuse to be a part of a religion. They are becoming cult like. “Join or perish”. In most eyes, what I am doing is going to put my name on Satan’s list. I don’t believe that.

And after these few weeks, with having no name to call myself, I feel almost completly connected with God. I understand him better and I feel that my gifts have increased. My love for people has developed into this overwhelming feeling, one that I can’t even explain. I do not regret my decision to cut myself off from all forms of religion. I am just a lover of Jesus.

(Now don’t get me wrong, I know that there are tons of awesome religious people out there, but I fear that the awesome are being hidden behind the not-so-awesome).

Lots of Love,

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